I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Are these your boobs on my camera?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
