I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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