The maid of honor just puked.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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