1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
