3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
