I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Randomize
