I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
