fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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