I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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