Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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