Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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