yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
