Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
