ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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