cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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