So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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