What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
