My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize