a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
