i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
