At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
