i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I wear drunk well.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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