what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
