Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
