thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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