K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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