If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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