My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
