epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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