Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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