Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
