I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
