I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
When are your genitals available?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
