Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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