can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Duck Duck Cougar?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
