I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
