the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
