bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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