I could make wine with my vomit
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
