I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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