hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
This girl is more easily done than said...
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
