She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
