I CAN MOONWALK!
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
