I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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