I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
