I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
