i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
