mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I feel great
I just peed on a car
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
