my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
