I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
