Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
