Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
