I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
