The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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