hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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