I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
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