go do what you do best...puke behind churches
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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