i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
