Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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