If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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