so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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